Goodness gracious me, that was a most Big Bang
by A.A. Pessimal
Summary: British-Indian sketch show "Goodness Gracious Me" depended a lot on inverting well-known situations to raise a laugh and point out something about the experience of being Asian in the West. "The Big Bang Theory" has four central characters, three white North American and one an Indian immigrant trying to find his feet in the USA. How might GGM run with this idea... yes indeed.


_**TBBT through a different lens….**_

 _ **This has been at the back of my mind for a while. "The Big Bang Theory" is internationally known, and a sub-theme is an Indian immigrant trying to make sense of the USA through American friends. "Goodness Gracious Me" is a British/Indian comedy sketch-show. Devotees will know it and I'm fairly sure it's been screened, in a limited sort of way, in the USA in its original form. Mainstream US television commissioned a remake but altered the local focus to America's most commonly known Asian immigrants: Korean, Vietnamese, Chinese and Japanese. I'm not sure how it went down or if it was widely seen in either form. Either way, the series focused on the trials and absurdities of being Asian in a foreign country with bizarre and outlandish customs. The issues of first-generation immigrants attempting to retain familiar customs in a strange land, whilst their British/American born children were trying to break free and be more British/American, and the cultural clashes this caused. The internal rifts between immigrant communities of differing religions/ethnicities/languages – largely the fact (Moslem) Pakistanis and (Hindu) Indians are divided by enmity, suspicion and a degree of hostility. American readers: think Koreans and Chinese, especially those old enough to recall Japanese bad behaviour in WW2, and who then tell their kids, on the basis of events seventy years ago, that the Japanese can never be trusted. Even when the kids have Japanese-American best friends. Or Laotians v Vietnamese. Add in casual and active racism and misunderstanding by the white hosts.**_

 _ **Role-reversal and inversion became a hallmark of GGM. For British readers – all I need say is four words.**_ _ **Going for An English.**_

 _ **For Americans and others – google the sketch. It is quite perfect. It takes a common situation – British people at the end of a drunken night out deciding to cap the night by going to an "Indian" restaurant, eating a curry, and being rude to the waiters. And reverses it.**_

 _ **This sketch is in the tradition of GGM inversion. It is set at the Calcutta Institute for Science and Technology.**_ **Caltech** _ **, for short. Three local Indian academics are meeting a fourth for the first time, a visiting research fellow from overseas…**_

* * *

" _ **GOONESS GRACIOUS ME" OPENING CREDITS AND THEME MUSIC FADE OUT. CUT TO GRAPHICS OF A STYLISED BOHR-MODEL ATOM ROTATING ON THE SCREEN. THEN TO A TYPICAL INDIAN APARTMENT; WE SEE ORNAMENTAL CARVED SCREENS, CEILING FAN OPERATING, ET C.**_

 **HARESH WADIAWALA** ( _a thin, short, sallow individual who is dressed like an imagined Bollywood screen idol. The effect is less than convincing and subtly wrong_ ). Shaildar, the new guy's gonna be here soon. You know, the new astrophysicist. Whatever you do, don't scare him off!

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** ( _He is long and tall and supercilious. He is dressed in Western style. An over-tee is bright red and carries the eleven-petalled golden lotus of the comic superhero Shaktimaan1._ **(1)**

 _( KULVINDER GHAL would be ideal in this role.)He snorts through his nose._ Really, mister W. Even though astrophysics is yet another academic discipline ultimately subordinate to theoretical physics for its framework and justification, I see no reason to be uncivil. Intelligences that can even _begin_ to comprehend my mind are regrettably sparse in this country as it is. So I have no objection to importing them.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR** _(He is a small-built woebegone looking guy dressed in Indian street drab with khaki-green and bleached-out tones predominating. He wears Ghandi glasses and his hair is untidily swept back underneath a kufi-style hat. SANJEEV BHASKAR, perhaps, playing down his usual outgoing roles to look subtly defeated by life.)_ Yes. Nine hundred million people and you can't live with _any_ of them.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA** _ **(snarkily)**_ Or maybe nine hundred million other Indians can't live with _you_. We two of us barely manage it!

(There is a knock on the door.)

 **HARESH WADIAWALA** _ **(goes to answer it)**_ He's here! _**(opens door)**_ Hey, Ray-ER-mond-a! Old buddy! How are you, come on in!

 _(We see a smallish Western white man, lightly built, dressed in suit and tie against the sweltering Calcutta heat. Everyone looks at him and calls welcome.)_

 _ **CUT TO MAIN SHOW CREDITS. THE MUSIC IS JUST BARELY RECOGNISABLE AS "THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING", BUT PLAYED ON TRADITIONAL SITAR AND TABLA-HEAVY INDIAN INSTRUMENTS, IN INDIAN ACCENTS, WITH SUBTLY DIFFERENT LYRICS. IMAGES FLASH BY: KHURMURAJAH THE WORLD TURTLE, THE TAJ MAHAL, THE GODDESS KALI, THE MOGHUL EMPIRE, THE BRITISH RAJ, GANDHI, INDIRA GHANDI, A NUCLEAR WEAPON GOING OFF (NOT NECESSARILY IN PAKISTAN) ET C.**_

 _The whole unformed void was in a cold dark state_

 _And then Lord Brahma in his wisdom called upon all things to Be!_

 _The Cosmic Egg did cool_

 _And Kama made the first folk drool_

 _Ikshvaku developed tools, He taught us all –_

 _We built the Taj Mahal!_

 _Maths, science, industry_

 _We Indians were first to see -_

 _And it all started with the Big Bang – BANG!_

 _ **RETURN TO THE MAIN APARTMENT. RAYMOND COPPERDALE IS SHAKING HANDS WITH HIS THREE HOSTS. THEY ALL SEEM PLEASED TO MEET HIM.**_

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** This " _Ray-er-mond-er- Cupp-thra-dal-ey_ " is a bit of a mouthful. Mind if we just call you "Ray" to keep it simple?

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** Or "Raj". That's a good simple name, easy to pronounce.

 **RAY C** : No, not at all. Be delighted.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** Come on, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Tell us all about yourself. _(He leads RAY to the main divan. He sits. There is an audible intake of air.)_

 **RAY C** : Anything wrong?

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** _(disapproving)._ Doctor… _(briefest hesitation)_ Copperdale. You're in my spot.

 **RAY C** : ( _edging over_ ) Oh. Sorry. Didn't realise. _(Shaildar takes over the spot. Ray realises there is an atmosphere of quiet expectation from the guys. He clears his throat.)_ Anyway. I'm from Cambridge in England. My mother is a housewife, my father is a consultant gynaecologist at Addenbrookes…

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** _(sleazily)_ Oh yes. Gynaecologist. Dream job.

 **RAY C** : Indeed. That's how they met. She was one of his patients.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** That's one hell of a first date.

 **RAY C** _(blinks uncertainly)_ I have a sister, Priscilla. She's a lawyer. Actually she's coming to India soon, to work. She wants me to tell her all about this place, where I go, who I meet.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** Be sure to introduce her to us, Ray… _ **esh**_. Was Cambridge where you earned your PhD?

 **RAY C** _(uncertainly)_ It's where I earned _all_ my degrees. Truth be told, I was living at home with Mum and Dad. This is my first chance to live away from home.

 _ **The three others nod sympathetically. Mutterings of "We've all been there" and "Almost Indian!" It is clear this is not unfamiliar.**_

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** well, Ray…. _esh,_ I can see we have a lot in common there. _(He extends a hand_ ). On behalf of all of us, may I say "Welcome to the Calcutta Institute for Science and Technology? That's "Caltech", for short.

 _( Handshakes are extended. There is a knock on the door. Everybody picks up, expectantly.)_

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** Hope that's our food!

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** _(disapproving)._ I took the liberty, Doctor… _(briefest hesitation)_ Copperdale, to order food that will make you feel at home. _(HARESH is at the door dealing with a delivery person. Money changes hands and there is a folded-hands "Namaste!")_

 **RAY C** _(picks up, expectantly)_ I say, that's very kind! Is it curry?

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** Oh, dear Krishna and all the Arianthas, no.

 _(He unpackages several boxes and cartons. The food consists of long packages wrapped in plain white paper. RAY sniffs the air. His face crinkles in polite disbelief.)_

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** _(triumphantly smug)._ As it's Anything Goes Friday, and we have a guest from Great Britain, I elected to honour your native cuisine by sending out for an English takeaway. Fried fish and chips!

 **RAY C** looks stunned **.** The others tuck in.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** Shaildar, do you think we should have checked first, that the Christian religion has no food taboos and forbidden animal? Perhaps the type of fish….

 **RAY C:** _(quickly)_ No, nothing like that. I'm sure this is going to be delicious! _(He makes a show of unwrapping his fish and chips. But with reluctance.)_

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR:** According to my research, Christianity is distressingly short of any forbidden animal whose flesh it is taboo to eat. Everything can go on a plate, seemingly.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR and** **HARESH WADIAWALA** look at each other in stunned disbelief.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** There's no taboo animal? None at all? _Every_ religion has to have its taboo animal!

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR :** Yeah, like Moslems and pigs. Or us and sacred cows. What sort of cheap religion says its worshippers can eat anything they like?

 **RAY C:** _(diffidently)_ well, actually… ( _he is ignored_ )

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR:** My researches informed me that many Christians have a rule that only fish is permissible on a Friday and today is Friday, so I took this into account. That's as near as it gets to a proper food taboo, most unfortunately.

 **RAY C:** _(diffidently)_ well, actually, in the Church of England… (he is ignored again)

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR:** Even though the God Jesus, according to the holy writings of the Bible, seemingly manifests to believers in the form of a lamb, Christians still eat all forms of mutton produce. You would think their sacred animal, taboo to eat as food, would be the lamb, but no, it is freely eaten. ( _He shakes his head at the inconsistency.)_

 **RAY C:** _(diffidently)_ well, errr, actually… (he is ignored yet again)

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** _(scarfing down battered fried fish, slightly indistinctly)_ Makes sense. Moslems and the Jews can't eat pig. Hindus can't eat beef. That does not leave too many major food animals, and if pigs and cows are already taken, that only leaves sheep or goats for the Christians not to eat. They're missing a good taboo animal here!

THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR. **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR** GOES TO ANSWER.

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR:** Oh, Hi, P….

A YOUNG(ISH) WOMAN BREEZES PAST HIM, SASHAYING HER HIPS, WITH A PASSING "Hi, priyatama!" SHE IS DRESSED IN A SARI COMBINATION OF BRIGHT CANARY YELLOW, ORANGE AND GREY. HER ATTITUDE BETRAYS SASS AND CONFIDENCE. THIS PART IS CUT OUT FOR NINA WADIA.

 **POONAMI:** You guys would not _believe_ the day I just had at the Ras Malai2 Sweet Emporium! Too many people hassling and demanding, as if I was some sort of waitress or something!

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR:** Well, Poonami, I believe this might be because right now you actually _are_ some sort of waitress or something…

 **POONAMI:** Yeah, right, chandrakanti3. First chance I get I'm outta this sari…

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** And might I take this opportunity to say to the most ras malai thing in the Ras Malai Sweet Emporium, please don't let me stop you, Poontang.

 **POONAMI:** ( _getting irate_ ) how many times have I got to tell you, Haresh, my name isn't "Poontang", it's _Poonami_? (changes track) Hey, is that _English_? How bland does it go? I've had it up to here with curries! And are those mushty peas? Superbland!

 **DR. LOKPRADEEP L. HUQSIDTAR: (smugly)** The blandest. Fried fish and potato fries. Not even pakora **(4)4** batter. Just plain egg and flour. Hey, we got enough for you too.

 **POONAMI:** Thanks, madhu! _(She turns to the food and then her attraction is distracted)._ Well, hello! Where did _you_ spring from?

SHE MOVES OVER AND STROKES **RAY C** 'S FACE MEANINGFULLY. HE IS HORRIFIED TO REALISE SHE HAS SHOCKED HIM SPEECHLESS. HE MAKES A MUTE APPEAL TO THE GUYS.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** I can fix that, Ray… _esh_. Just give me a moment. ( _He moves to the kitchen area and pours a drink. He returns with it and gives it to Ray.)_ Mango Lassi. Just what the doctor ordered for selective mutism! ( _RAY takes a sip. He relaxes_ ).

 **RAY C:** Ah, that's better. You're Poonami? Hi, I'm Ray. From England.

 **POONAMI:** Like the food, huh? Hi. I'm an actress.

THE GUYS SUPRESS SNIGGERS. SHE ROUNDS ON THEM FURIOUSLY.

 **POONAMI:** OK, so my last break was a lousy bit part in a Bollywood movie! Only forty-five minutes speaking parts, how the hell is a girl supposed to do anything with forty-five lousy minutes of a big movie? I'm only waitressing because a girl's gotta earn a living and pay her way, right?

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR:** _(bites back nasal snorting laugh)_ Pay your way. Yes. Coming over to our _ghar5_ every night and eating our food. They say Calcutta is the city of beggars… (She looks at him furiously) besides, you're on the wrong side of the sub-continent for Bollywood. That's in Mumbai. Here in Calcutta, it's _Tollywood,_ after the film studios at Tollygunge.. **(6)**

 **POONAMI:** Hey, so I got the wrong directions when I moved here…

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** _(disapproving)._ I must warn you, Doctor… _(briefest hesitation)_ Copperdale. She may seem a little bit strange to you but this may be explained by her being from Assam.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** Assam is all tea plantations and it's flat. Nothing to do except grow tea by day, then go out at night tipping sacred cows after a night on the lassi. (POONAMI nods ruefully)

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR** _(disapproving)._ And I advise you, Doctor. Poonami has congressed quite a few men in her time. Her life revolves around waitressing, congressing random men, and eating our food.

 **POONAMI:** ( _snarky)_ Yeah, chandrakanti. And remind me how far _you've_ got to congressing Amisha Farrouch-Falah, in all the years you've known her.

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** _(to Ray)_ Shaildar's girlfriend, You'll get to meet her.

 **RAY C** _(working it out)_ Congressing? As in the Kama Sutra? (He looks hopefully at **POONAMI.** _She pretends not to notice but looks pleased_ **.** )

 **HARESH WADIAWALA:** Yup. All the positions.

 **DR. SHAILDAR L. KUPAR: (** _with pride_ **)** Ah, the Kama Sutra. The very first graphic novel. Indian!

* * *

We leave the gang eating their English. There may be other show-within-a-show segments of _**The Indian Big Bang Theory**_ within the framework of _**Goodness Gracious Me.**_ I have ideas concerning Indian superhero comics – they exist, I have researched them and they are truly extraordinarily dire. Amisha Farrouch-Falah will walk in. as will a small-built woman whose name may be Barghaslakshsmi or Bharmini. Shaildar's mother Maya Kupar will be an old-time fundamentalist Hindu who is deeply distressed at her son's professed atheism. Shaildar and Indian trains. "Congressing" for "coitussing" – a gift. Tune in for more….

* * *

 **(1)** Really exists. India has its own comic-book industry. Shaktimaan is a typical superhero of Indian comics. There is also Nagraj, who can "kill tens of elephants with his teeth" and bite back against venomous serpents, although any incarnation of Sheldon Cooper might find this distasteful and insanitary. Batman, Robin, WonderWoman and Superman pop in from the DC comics verse – in a strictly non-authorised pirated way and their portrayals are amazingly different.

 **(2)** _Ras Malai_ is an Indian dessert made with cream, cheese and sweet pastry. It is also a familiar term for " _sweetheart_ " or just " _very pretty girl_ ".

 **(3** _ **)** Chandrakanti_ : "moonbeam", as near as I could get to "moonpie".

 **(4)** Pakora batter is spiced with curry spices and adds a new dimension to fish and chicken. Call it _Kalkutta Fried Chicken_ – delicious but spicy.

 **(5)** "Ghar" – home, flat, apartment

 **(6)** _**wikipedia"**_ In 1932, the name "Tollywood" was coined for the Bengali film industry due to the studios at Tollygunge rhyming with "Hollywood" and because it was the centre of the Indian film industry at the time." – Calcutta has its local "Bollywood" too

* * *

 _ **Notes:**_

 _ **Names: Raymond Copperdale (Raj)**_

 _ **Padma/Pinakini/Pinga/Pinghla/Poonam/Poonami (Penny) – names riff on fullness and fertility, ie "full moon" Note scope for "poontang" jokes from "Howard"**_

 _ **Ami/Amishi/Amidi/Amisha (Amy) – name variant on "beautiful girl"**_

 _ **Barghaslakshsmi – (Bernadette) - "most beautiful and even-tempered, placid".**_

 _ **Bharmini – "a beautiful, short-tempered lady"**_

 _ **Bharnumati "Most beautiful flowing Ganges river" – also Goddess of speech (and high-pitched voices?)**_

 _ **Hari, Haresh "praise to Krishna" – Howard**_

 _ **Loknaath "Lord of all Worlds", king – Leonard**_

 _ **Lokpradeep – servant of the Buddha. Leonard**_

 _ **Shaildar, Shelendra "one who commands mountains" – Sheldon**_

 _ **Full Names:**_

 _ **Shaildar Kupar (Sheldon Cooper)**_

 _ **Raymond Copperdale (Raj Kooprathali)**_

 _ **Haresh**_ _ **Wadiawala**_ _ **(Howard Wolowitz)**_

 _ **Lokpradeep H (Leonard Hofstadter) HUQSICDAR**_

 _ **Barghaslakshsmi R (Bernadette Rostenkowski)**_

 _ **Amisha F-F (Amy Farrah-Fowler) FARROUCH-FALAH**_

 _ **Maya Kupar (Mary Cooper)**_

 _ **Poontami (Penny)**_

 _ **Notes: wikipedia"**_ In 1932, the name "Tollywood" was coined for the Bengali film industry due to Tollygunge rhyming with "Hollywood" and because it was the center of the Indian film industry at the time." – Calcutta has its local "Bollywood" too

 _ **Orissa: an eastern Indian state, underdeveloped, undereducated and remote, where Hindu fundamentalists are in the majority and pursue a hardline form of religion. A "Texas" for Shaildar Kupar and his mother to come from!**_

 _ **Ras Malai – popular Indian dessert consisting of a sweet cheese pastry served in cream sauce. By extension, a slang term for a pretty girl.**_


End file.
